If Cloud ain't gay...

Title: If Cloud ain't gay, then NO ONE is!
Author: YoungFreak92
Fandom: Final fantasy VII
Rating: PG-13 (language an M/M-ness)
Category: Humor
Pairings: Cid/Vincent and slight Cloud/Sephiroth - all implied
Spoilers: Nothing, actually
Summary: AVALANCE are wandering from various battles to the Highwind



It was past noon, but not evening. An afternoon, you may say. And the AVALANCE was happily wandering to the Highwind. Too bad the Highwind was two hours wandering away and they were sore and bruised after a lot of battles and not so happy. For some reason, they were wandering in pair, but run around and changed the pairs like 6-years-olds. Barret was 'the leader', so he wandered first in line. With him were Cait Sith and Nanaki, because the big guy wanted ShinRa information. Too bad that Cait Sith thought it was a perfect moment to play mind games with the poor guy. Nanaki quietly watched the two arguing, amused. After them was Cloud wandering, with Cid and Vincent coming and leaving. Poor fella', he got way too much time to think and angst and working on his emo-boy image. Last in line - and way back - were the girls. Tifa and Aerith were whispering and giggling among themselves while Yuffie ran around and said hello to everybody again and again since she was bored. Oh, did I mention it was sunny?

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Cloud was moping around as usual, his head low that made him look even smaller than he actually is. With various sighs and other emo-boy's things, he was unaware of the presence of a certain pilot until the he felt the evil cigarette smoke slowly killing his lungs. Of course he coughed.
"Hey, kid, why so down?" Cid asked, in his usual gruff-but-pretty-content-with-life-if-not-those-ShinRa-bastards-had-destroyed-my-dream-and-the-little-ninja-brat-that-never-leaves-me-or-my-materia-alone-and-that-other-little-thing-I-don't-want-to-talk-about-because-it-would-ruin-my-image-but-I-think-the-girls-already-have-found-it-out tone of voice. Cloud sighed again, just to really show the world HOW ANGSTY AND EMO-BOYISH HE WAS before he answered.
"I don't really think I can manage", he said, his voice blank but still depressed - and emo-boy feature he possessed. Cid raised an eyebrow.  
"Can't manage what?"
"The whole Sephiroth thing", he answered and sighed again. Cid shrugged. They were silent for a few moment, Cid smoking those evil cancer-sticks and Cloud being emo-boyish. Then the captain of the Highwind spoke up.
"How come ye always moping 'bout that fuckin' Sephiroth? Had some connection to 'im, or what?" Cid asked and Cloud flinched before he blushed. Unknown to Cid, Cloud had just evolved from ANGSTY EMO-BOY to the bigger and greater and even more angsty ANGSTY UKE EMO-BOY.
"Uh, n-no", the uke-emo-boy stuttered, and proceeded in making the worst lie of the century. Cid ignored that, since he had spotted the next person coming. In a mysterious and dark way Vincent Valentine silently appeared beside them in a way that would make every fangirl shriek and swoon. The dark vampire [[</I>Since me, the author, is filming directing this fanfiction, I just have to say that this was a very hard scene to shoot, since Vinnie-boy always glared at me when I called him a vampire. And now, without further stupidness, back to the story!</I>]] silently looked at the other two in a manner that anybody else would call a glare. Cloud didn't particularly care, just kept on being a ANGSTY U--- eh, you know the drill by now, don't you? Cid on the other hand seemed to turn on the (in?)famous Highwind Charm and flashed a bright grin towards the only man on whatever-their-planet-is-called that could win over Cloud in moping.
"Heya, Vin! How ye doin'?" he asked and Vincent turned his gaze from the two humans to the fields and mountains far away.
"Not too well, naturally. But, it's fair since that's my curse. I have sinned too greatly too feel such things as happiness and..." Vincent began in that dazzling, deep raspy voice of his but Cid interrupted.
"Yeah, yeah, we know! Ye couldn't save that damn chick and now all yer doin' is fucking mopin' around, we know", he said waving his hand as he talked and with the other put out the now dead but still evil cancer-stick, for directly after grasping after another one.
"Highwind, as much as I know that I shouldn't say anything about your habits..."
"Damn straight!"
"... I would appreciate if you could stop smoking. At least when I'm around."  
That made Cid loose track, and slowly lowered his hand from the goggles where he kept the evil cancer-sticks. He muttered something, but didn't light a new one. Behind that mysterious and loveable crimson cape, the handsome vampire-like man slightly smiled a smile that would make every fangirl shriek and swoon. Cid muttered again and slowed down so he would meet the girls, and left Vincent and Cloud alone. When the two were sure that Cid was out of earshot, they turned to each other and Cloud evolved again, this time from ANGSTY UKE EMO-BOY to the somewhat tougher SOMEWHAT TOUGHER ANGSTY UKE EMO-BOY. Apparently too much of concentrated angst in a too small space makes on of the downers somewhat less angsty. Go figures... not.
"Why do you do stuff like that, Vincent?" the boy asked the older man beside him, his voice blank without depression in it this time, just a small amount of angst.
"Do what?" Vincent countered, playing innocent in way that would make fangirls shriek and swoon. Cloud gave him a look.
"You know very well what I mean. Why do play mind games with Cid?"
No answer.
"Okay, I'm going to frankly ask you; when are you gonna tell Cid you want him?" Cloud asked, hoping to receive an answer this time. The answer was a kind of scary little grin from Vincent. Cloud gulped. Vincent lowered his head since he is handsomely tall and Cloud is so embarrsingly-and-stereotypeic-uke short to whisper some in his ear - which had nothing to do with the Vincent/Cloud pairing, since I don't like that one!  
"Are you saying that I'm too secretive?"
Cloud gulped again, louder this time, and said with the confidence of a guilty three-years-old; "Uuuh~haaa?"
Vincent grinned a almost mischievous grin that would make every fangirl shriek and swoon.
"You really do?"
Cloud nodded, now really nervous. I mean, who wouldn't with that handsome, sexy dark man towering over you with a smile that alone would take you to the stars?
"I would not, Strife, with consideration that you haven't even told us about your and Sephiroth's... relationship", Vincent finished, resulting in successfully turning Cloud from SOMEWHAT TOUGHER UKE EMO-BOY to the annoying VERY EMBARRASSED UKE EMO-BOY. Cloud was blushing, stuttering and all the other things that uke emo-boys and school-girls normally do when they are caught red-handed (kinda) in loving someone they shouldn't. Vincent smirked and left it like that. The rest of the wandering Cloud didn't pay any attention to anything around him and just kept blushing.

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Tifa and Aerith were giggling among themselves.
"Okay, Aerith. How many of the men do you think are gay?" Tifa asked winking, and Aerith pretended to think.
"Hm, it's a very tough question. But let me see... I think that everyone is except Barret and Red", she answered. The two girls exchanged a look and burst into a fit of laughter. By the time the girls began to hyperventilating, Yuffie came back. She had been by the woods three feet away and had stolen an innocent apple from the now very sad and one-apple-lesser appletree. The bad girl didn't even know it. She looked at the other two puzzled.
"Uh, what are you laughing about?"
"Oh, nothing!" Aerith managed to spit out before they began to laugh again.
"Okay. But do you know what I think?"
The two others shook their heads. They were curious, since Yuffie often had news that nobody else knew. Yuffie continued, obviously scared as heck.
"I think that that old geezer and Vinnie has something going on!" she said, pure horror marked all over her face. Often, not always. Tifa and Aerith began to laugh harder, but when they saw the confused, hurt and angry look on the teenagers face, they finally suppressed it. Tifa coughed and cleared her throat.
"Why do you freak out so much?"
"Like, hello? That's scary! I mean, what does they want with one another?"
Tifa and Aerith exchanged another look and began to explain to the child.
"Have you ever seen Cid when he's working on his ship?
"With the wind blowing in his hair?"
"And his blue eyes all glittering with an intent look?"
"Without his shirt on..."
"... so we all can see his fabulous abs?"
"Don't forget that dazzling smile of his!"
"Or his rugged good-looks!"
"And never forget his sexy, tight ass!" the two girls finished in union. Yuffie stared at them, shocked.
"Like, no way, never!" she answered, completly freaked out. But Tifa and Aerith had no plans to stop there.
"And do not forget Vincent!" Aerith began  and Yuffie feared for her life.
"Ooh, that claw of his! So damn sexy!" Tifa followed dreamily.
"And his face! Ever seen his whole face?"
"Hell yeah! He's like a dream!"
"His lips!"
"His eyes!
"His long, raven hair!"
"You know that leather he always wear, with all the buckles? Oooh, so sexy and kinky!"
"Exactly! And that cape!
"The hands!"
"That ass!"
"That mysterious darkness around him!"
"His voice!" Tifa and Aerith sighed dreamily. Yuffie seriously considered sending the two to the mental hospital.
"Uh, I think I should be going... to meet Barret and check thing out. Later!" the young ninja said and dashed. Aerith and Tifa burst into a fit of laughter - again. They only stopped when they saw that Cid was walking beside them. Trying to stifle their laughter they looked up and waved slightly.
"H-hi Cid!" they managed to say. Cid grinned.
"Heya, ladies. Care to tell an ol' man what's so funny?" he asked and the girls began to giggle again. Seriously, what have they been eating slash drinking?
"Oh, it's nothing! How are you doing?" Tifa said and Aerith continued the giggling. Cid shrugged.
"Fine, I guess", he said and it was then Tifa noticed.
"Cid! You're not smoking!" she exclaimed and Aerith stared at the man. Indeed, no cigarette was dangling from his lips this time. Cid scratched his neck uncomfortably.
"Well, ye see... Vin kinda asked me to stop...", he grumbled and the two girls looked at each other, excited. Though they did success in keeping themselves from giggling this time. Then Cid shouted a very colorful little poem that no one under 65 should be allowed to hear.
"That little brat! She has stolen my materia again!" he yelled and began chasing the little ninja. When Cid was out of earshot the girls turned towards each other.
"100 gil on Cid confessing", Aerith said, mischief practically beaming out from her eyes.
"100 gil on that Vincent does the confessing", Tifa said, mirroring her friend's expression.
"Deal!" the flower girl said, and they shook hands. Then Tifa flinched.
"Aerith, when you said that you think all of the men except Barret and Nanaki are gay, did that include Cloud?" she asked. Aerith gave her a look.
"Tifa, Tifa, Tifa! If Cloud's isn't gay, then no one is!"